swatting at anger

I had felt an anger rising up inside me these past few days. I listened to my friends tell me that my job loss was a blessing in disguise. There were no hard feelings right? I hadn't done anything wrong after all and from their perspective, the "she'll be just fine",  just wasn't cutting it for me. I told myself this was true and repeated it like a mantra, a blessing in disguise, an opportunity. I shouldn't be angry, I'm above that. Surely I'm capable of seeing the big picture, the wisdom of what will come, living in the moment. But living in the moment doesn't mean not acknowledging all the emotion that you feel at the time. I tried to suppress and push aside this gnawing feeling of discontentment but it was not to let me be. I started having issues with getting to sleep. My mind just wouldn't shut off and images of work life kept pecking at my need of a peaceful slumber. Even when I would fall asleep, I dreamt of people, situations from work, and would only wake up feeling more and more restless and pissed off. 

Well, I'm mad as hell. My security blanket was taken away and my life was disrupted and I feel a lot of things and anger is one. 

After talking to my sister this morning, I was able to say to myself, yes I'm angry and that's okay, be angry, feel it, be it. Now go into your garden and pull weeds. Pulling weeds helps, it's a kind of therapy, get mad at the weeds. Pull, yank, twist, cut, out they come. Some easier than others. But I felt good, filling up the trash bin time after time, throwing away, cleaning out the negative voices in my head. 

It was insanely humid and hot and the buzzing flying things kept circling my head and body. Under the burning sun, as beads of sweat formed and began loosening their grip dripping down my skinI, the annoying flying things became worse.  I kept swatting them away, wished they would leave me alone, they were interrupting me and interfering in my cleaning up task. Finally, I realized that they were not going to go away. I acknowledged that they were there and that the humidity was getting to both of us. Okay, so we're both angry today.  And so I gathered up my gardening tools and sought shelter on the shaded porch appreciating the breeze that moved across my sweating brow.